Cottaging is alive and well! 1

It goes to show you how out of touch I have been for having assumed that cottaging  (soliciting sex in public toilets) went out with George Michael in 1998.

Apparently cruising for men in public toilets is still alive and well, thank you very much.

As one of my online friends remarked, it is mind-boggling that men still trawl these toilets when there are so many other avenues that don’t get you arrested such as Adam4adam and all the other internet sex sites out there. But therein lies the reason, I think, why cottaging still offers such a thrill. Unlike an internet sex site where you might sit for hours without any hit, cottaging is immediate, it is public and, therefore, increases the thrill level.

“Wanted to get caught”: singer George Michael

Men who indulge in public-toilet sex actually know they might be caught. But that is what they partly get off on; the very idea that they are living close to the edge gives them an additional adrenaline rush and a heady high.  George Michael admitted as much … that he actually wanted to get caught.

Check the 18 men out here if you wish to see the latest roll call of cottaging infamy.

102,241 men on Adam4Adam 2

I checked out Adam4adam the other day and saw the above image and I stopped in my tracks:

102,241 members in all rooms

Really?!! One hundred and two thousand?!! Please, someone tell me that all these 102, 241 men were not online, on Adam4adam in the Washington DC Metropolitan area. That would be a staggering number indeed.

The entire population of Washington DC is a little over half a million souls. Granted, when you factor in Maryland and Northern Virginia, (DMV) you get into millions, but goodness, 100,000 men on the DMV sex site seems insane.

AfroGay is thus going to assume that this is a number that refers to all gay men on Adam4adam in the United States and beyond at that time. Even so the numbers are quite astonishing. The United States has 50 states. If you divide the number online on this day equally between them, and that would tally into 20,000 gay men per state on Adam4adam alone. Now, if you factor in the ones who were on other sites (Adam4adam is predominantly a black site) and those who were not logged on at all. Hm …. The number just keeps shooting up.

Now, if those 102,241 men are in the DMV area alone, AfroGay’s active imagination puts the possible numbers at 2 million gay men in the United States alone.


Why is any gay man lonely?

Gay Men And Good, Honest Relationships 5

It’s official! There are a lot of lonely gay men out there today. No, rephrase that: there are a lot of miserable, lonely, frustrated, disillusioned, muddled, bewildered, emotionally empty gay men out there today.

Yet, having gay sex has never been easier for gay men all over the world.

Thanks to the internet, one can log on to Adam4adam, Men4now, Gaydar and a plethora of gay dating/sex sites and find someone to grope you within a few seconds. Sex parties are advertised openly, providing yet another outlet for those who are looking for quick, anonymous sex round the neighborhood so to speak. Being gay is now so passé even in backwaters such as Burundi and Uganda that parliaments are taking up precious parliamentary time to try and curtail homosexual activity, and presidents are secretly signing anti-gay bills in the dead of night.

In terms of publicity and raising awareness, this couldn’t be a better time to be gay and searching because homosexuality is being given prominence by everyone; from hypocritical, self-serving, pontificating pastors and wannabe presidents in America to hypocritical self-serving pontificating pastors and cabinet ministers in third world backwaters. As a gay fraternity that used to be hidden in the furtiveness that Oscar Wilde called the love that dare not speak its name, we are now feted in national parliaments all over the world by friendly legislators and pilloried by vindictive and confused parliamentarians as well the press. We are now employed as openly gay men in the highest offices of the land in such diverse places as Britain and Israel.
It was this thread online about what good, honest relationships mean today that got me thinking about this subject:
[Edited] money quote:

Do gay people in 2009 still have good, honest, lasting relationships or is it mostly a “SEX thing” for a couple of months and then they move on? Many complain about not being able to find a good lover, but then want to screw half the town and expect their mates to behave as if everything is okay. Do we put unreal stipulations on what an ideal mate is without considering what we bring to the table? We are only human and we all have some kind of baggage/imperfections. What do you think gays need to consider for having a (honest) lasting relationship? Do gays guys even have good honest relationships these days?

Difficult questions, that no doubt don’t have a straight yes or no answer, AfroGay will nonetheless hazard a long-winded one.

Just 50 years ago, when gay relationships were still conducted clandestinely everywhere in the world, gays took the trouble to nurture personal relationships because having them seemed like a godsend. There has always been a lot of one-night-stands going on in the gay shadows, of course, but the secretiveness of gay life forced many to take relationships seriously relatively early. Only 15 years ago, I knew at least 20 couples who had been together for more than 5 years. Today, I struggle to count on one hand the gay relationships that have lasted that long among my peers.

The more fertile climate for easy sex seems to have run a coach and horses through our collective conscience as nesting human beings. Where we used to make effort to try and understand others, we now grope their pants within minutes “to see what they are working with” as an acquaintance recently remarked. Dick size is the be-all-end-all and many of us openly admit that once we are not impressed with the size of the dick, we are off again to search for better endowed specimens. The freedom to explore as our desires demand has, paradoxically, led to the loss of the most crucial ingredients in establishing lasting relationships – forbearance and fortitude.

Thus, one hears a lot of gay boys saying that they don’t want relationships; just sex. One just has to scratch the surface, however, to realize that this is just mock braggadocio for the most part. Human beings, be they gay or straight, are meant to be with someone. When one is a teenager, that is the time when one can act like a bar fly without compunction because that is what teenagers do. Slinging one’s hook with everything that comes your way throughout one’s twenties is also not something terribly unique in the gay world especially since many gay boys get the ability to explore their sexuality in their twenties. But when one gets into one’s thirties and is still looking solely for hit-and-run sex over establishing meaningful relationships, one has to be very careful as that can portend the road to a slippery slope.

And have you ever noticed that the men in their 30s or older who claim not to want long term relationships are also the most jealous and territorial if one of their conquests is snatched from them? Forget the cattiness of teenagers; hell hath no fury than a 30+ something man who loses a conquest to someone else. The bitchiness is internalized and thus less pronounced but the hate that develops in such situations can take years to heal if ever. That, to AfroGay, is the clearest indication that, deep inside, we all want to have someone to call our own.

Once you hit your 40s, life alone is exactly that; life alone. Anyone who has been having sex since their 20s kn0ws that there is nothing new anyone can show you sexually after 20 years of active service. What one is looking for, as one approaches middle age, is companionship and a meeting of souls, with sex as the icing on the cake. Sex is of course still available for 40 and 50+, but the absence of a soul mate is usually a grating reminder that one is not complete.

Check out any gay dating/sex website today and you will be shocked at the number of men over 45 on there. In reality, they are looking for much more than sex but the environment has been bastardized to such an extent that they must now settle for what they can get. And let’s face it, unless one has gone to almost superhuman lengths to stay “with it” a man of 50 is not as attractive as he was when he was in his 20s. Yet, on Adam4adam alone, there are more than 1200 men in Washington, DC and New York City alone, over the age of 45 who say on their profiles that they are searching for relationships. That is a very conservative number, though, because in typical Adam4adam ‘airbrushing’ 55 years is the new 45 and it is not unheard of for 58 year-old men to say on their profiles that they are 36. You are, therefore, talking about more than 2,000 men out of at least 18,000 in just those two metropolises who are in their 40s or older who are alone and/or lonely, and are searching for lasting love. Unfortunately, time is no longer on their side and life should get even more complicated as more of us grow out of our eligible 30s into the precarious 40s.

Still in your 30s and saying that you are only interested in quick sex without commitment or emotional capital? Look around you and stand warned; the club of middle aged gay men who are alone is growing.


Living Out Loud With Darian (Loldarian)has visited the subject that gnaws at me all the time and which I wrote about here. It is the complicity of sex/dating sites in the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.Loldarian tackles the subject from the point of view that letting members say on their profiles that they want to have sex only with other men who are not diseased (Disease free UB 2) might be discriminatory.
I, however, see a different, more harmful danger. With the stigma still surrounding HIV, especially in the black community, how many people are really going to be truthful about their HIV status on a sex website? As I tried to illustrate in my article of some months ago, the prevalence of HIV/Aids in black America is as high as 50%. But only 13% of the profiles of black men on Adam4adam admit to being HIV positive, suggesting that at least 37% are telling lies. The situation is no different for the non-black members on these sites. 37% is quite a significant number when you consider that there are at least 20,000 gay men(of all races) in the Washington, DC Metro area, New York City and Atlanta alone; it means that at least 7,400 men on Adam4adam are lying about their HIV status in just these three localities alone.

I think that Gaydar has the better middle ground.

Rather than give men an open avenue to lie about their HIV status, it is best to highlight “safe sex” since that triggers the warning to any reader that everyone needs to assume that everyone out there is HIV+ or has some other sexually communicable disease. Adam4adam should follow Gaydar’s lead and drop the HIV status requirement.

Focusing on safe or safer sex also allows young, impressionable and/or gullible men not to be taken in by pat lies. The ‘coming out’ men are especially vulnerable because they are likely to take what they read on Adam4adam at face value and then realize that it is a pack of lies when it is too late.

For instance, AfroGay has been around the block a couple of times and he is always dumbfounded by how many men on these dating sites claim to have 8 inch dicks. 8 inches?! Dear me, eight inches is something to behold and if everyone on these sex websites actually had 8 inch dicks, there would be a global stampede to the USA that would tip the country into the Pacific.

Please take it from me: the apparent rule of thumb is that whatever men, and especially black men, indicate on sex site as their dick size, you deduct two or three inches. So, 10.5 inches is actually 8 inches (and believe me, 8 inches is an impressive dick for all intents and purposes) and 9 inches is likely 6 inches at the most. Though black men are better hung than any other race (yes, this is generalizing but what else do I have to go on with short of sleeping with every man of every race in the world?), the average black dick is 6-7 inches when fully erect. So, obviously 8 inches is the exception rather than the norm even for the better endowed black men.

Again, Gaydar has the better model even on dick size since it categorizes dicks into general sizes (average, large, extra large), thereby frustrating the avenue that would allow members to pick a figure off a drop-down list and bombastically claim to pack a dick that is nowhere near its real size.

Obviously, meeting someone who has claimed he is packing a 10 inch dick and then you find that it is actually 6 inches is disappointing if not irritating. But that is not as disappointing (and dangerous) as getting into a hook-up situation with someone claiming to be “disease free” only for you to realize otherwise, perhaps because his story is well known in the gay fraternity. That is why it is best not to focus on HIV labels, but rather on safe of safer sex.

The anecdotal evidence around suggests that at least half of all sexually active gay men have had sex with someone that is HIV+, knowingly or otherwise. And this is true even in countries like Uganda where statistics are hard to come by. I commented on the Ugandan problem here many moons ago. But because we now know that HIV is a chronic but now manageable disease, expecting potential sexual partners to disclose their positive status is as useful as paying for the reception before finding someone who will marry you. Disclosure is vital once the partners choose to get serious and settle down even though even then safe sex should still be the minimum requirement. With casual sexual encounters, safe/safer sex is the message that should be repeated to monotony.

On this very important matter, Gaydar deserves full marks for taking the right approach. Some might find it extreme but AfroGay thinks that Adam4adam, Black Gay Chat etc. have blood on their hands when they continue to allow men to lie on their dating sites they way they currently do.

Related articles:

1. HIV Rates Among Black Men Rising …

2. Alarming Africa Male Gay HIV Rate

3. HIV “Epidemic” Among Black Gay Chicago Men, Most are Unaware


Adam4Adam – The Big HIV Lie! 14

Anyone who is gay in the United States, Canada, Europe and South America has heard of or has a profile on some sort of online dating site. It is a sign of the times. You can essentially be whoever you want to be in a matter of minutes by clicking on any one of the myriad dating websites out there and sex nowadays is just minutes away. The most popular gay online dating websites are Adam4adam, Men4now, Manhunt, Gaydar, Black Gay Chat (Bgc) and countless others.
There is, however, an uncomfortable truth that the management of some of these sites would do well to address in order to throw a vestige of honesty into their members’ activities, in as much as it is possible to talk about adult sex sites and honesty in the same breath.
Take the case of Adam4adam (A4a), one of the most popular sites among black gay men. Men post pictures, say who they are, what they look like, what their ‘stats’ are and who they would like to meet. So far so good. But Adam4adam is different from many other sites of the same ilk in that it allows its members to comment on their HIV status, perhaps to encourage disclosure and/or honesty. And therein lies the problem with this particular online dating site and others that allow members open discretion to tell or not to tell.
First the crude numbers: Based on A4a’s own website, Washington DC/Maryland (8,000), New York (10,000) and Georgia (5,000) have a combined total of more than 23,000 gay men almost all of them in the major cities of those states. Even when you factor in multiple profiles (different profiles set up by the same individual), sleeper profiles (profiles located in places that the user is not actually located) and fake ones (used for mischief), you are looking at a conservative figure of 20,000 gay men with profiles based in just those four states alone.
The crude numbers highlight a jarring statistical aberration. According to ChattaBox, NYC has 3 times the rate of new HIV infection rates in the whole of the USA, with 117 infections for every 100,000 New Yorkers. According to the 2006 report from the Center for Disease Control (CDC), the percentage of HIV/Aids infections among black, Hispanics and whites in NYC was 38.4%, 22.9% and 36.8%. In contrast, the number of profiles on A4a admitting to HIV+ status on December 28 2008 was 25%, 17% and 26% respectively among those ethnic groups.
Yet we know that, with better medication and diminishing stigma around HIV in the West, the number of diagnoses has risen since 2006 especially in the 30-46 age group. In NYC alone, more than 50% of new diagnoses are of black males. The statistics quoted are by no means conclusive but they reflect a clear dissonance between the official statistics and what those looking for sex on online dating websites admit to.
It is a well known fact that so many gay men pad their profiles when relating their body shape, waist and penis sizes. But it is an all together more serious matter when they are given such an easy avenue to lie about their HIV/Aids status. It is thus worth asking whether there is any point in online dating websites keeping the HIV status checkbox since, with or without it, the relevant message is “safe sex at all times.” Other sites such as Men4now and Gaydar don’t have the HIV checkbox but Manhunt does, and like A4a it allows members the option to check “positive”, “negative”, “don’t know” or “no answer” on the HIV question.
The significance of the combined crude statistics and the big lie they reveal is staggering. In December 2008, only 13% of DC A4a members’ profiles admitted to being HIV+. But when you factor in those who checked “Don’t know” and “No answer” the figure jumps to 53% – well in line with official HIV+ statistics from the District of Columbia. In NYC, only 15% of profiles checked HIV+ (against 62% if you factor in the “Don’t Know” and “No Answer”). In Georgia (And the focus here is on the Atlanta Metro area which is where the gay numbers are significant) the HIV+ profiles were 17% (59%) and in Maryland 8% (52%). In these four jurisdictions, A4a has only 13% of members who admitted to being HIV+.
That leaves the obvious and pertinent question: if official projections relating to HIV/Aids infection among men having sex with men in NYC, Washington DC, Atlanta and Maryland are closer to 50% of all gay men, and A4a has only 13% of them, on which online dating sites are the other 37%?