The Gay Deception! 1

No, not a movie; the real deal!

No, not a movie; the real deal!

December 2014 and January 2015 came and went. With them came and went at least 100 weddings in Uganda as always happens in December and January. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that some of the spouses, male and female, unknowingly married a closet homosexual in some of those breathtakingly expensive ceremonies.

Yes, yes, yes, it’s totally true. At the very least 1% of the men and/or women who walked down the aisle to teary smiles and barely concealed relief from erstwhile concerned relatives were gay!

The incomparable Dr. Stella Nyanzi couldn’t have put it any better:

Dr, Nyanzi aptly captures the continuing deception

Dr, Nyanzi aptly captures the continuing deception

And one commentator on Dr. Nyanzi’s Facebook post puts a human face on the on-going tragedy. Edited money quote:

For the last 15 or so years, I’ve witnessed this right before my eyes …  On many an occasion, I’ve even willingly accepted to be the best man to many of these ‘weddings’ just for the sake of helping out a very good friend.

As it goes, some wives later found out and this is when disaster struck. Two of the women decided to keep to their vows of ‘for good and for worse.’ They are still hanging in there despite having all evidence that their husbands are indeed gay and just married them for the sake of appeasing their families. [Others] divorced, and BITTERLY, after the women found out. On one occasion I had to give evidence in the family court of how I had known my friend to have been gay his entire life. The woman’s family cursed and gave me only 30 days to live.

My advice is that if you are gay please don’t pretend to walk down the aisle with the opposite sex in the name of wanting to appease family and friends. You are putting the other unwanted (yes, UNWANTED) and unsuspecting ‘partner’ into an unforgettable dilemma. In a nutshell, stick to your lane – be it a bent one. You only have one life to live so don’t waste it trying to live that of others.

It would be the final nail in the coffin of the deception that is par for the course for many a Ugandan (and African gay man or woman) if at all anyone was really listening. Sadly, a lot of men and women are not because, of course, the families and friends to whom they feel beholden are still hovering over them and their private lives menacingly like a rain cloud.

It’s sad, truly sad. But it’s going to keep on happening as surely as darkness follows light because this is Africa where appearances will continue to matter far more than one’s personal integrity and … dare one say it … happiness.

Yours truly has his own experience of the harm these charades cause. The other day I was speaking with a friend who intimated that this lovely woman, married for some years, with kids, holding down a responsible job in Kampala is “les.” Knowing the woman, I asked “How did you know that?” which perhaps gave the game away completely. His answer, however, caught be by surprise. “Her lover is married to —” (name withheld but he is a prominent man in Uganda). “Really?” was my shocked response since I didn’t know about that part of the story.

You really learn something new every day.

Just remember that you won’t be the first or last. That man or woman you are marrying could indeed be … gay!!! And then you can go ahead and repent at leisure when you eventually find out.

I am no gay black African basket case! Please. Reply

This is a paean to all our friends from abroad who come looking for me for information and, as most call it,” research material” to pad their narrative of what is going on around LGBTI issues in Uganda.

I am not an LGBTI activist, have never seen myself as one. I write about what catches my fancy and rail against anti-gay sentiment when I think there is a point to it.

In that light, I usually do not report gay “news” the way, for instance, Kenya’s Denis Nzioka does because gay life doesn’t put food on my table or pay for my Ferragamo shoe fetish. I comment on it when I think it is worth it but mostly shy away from the prolific reporting of everything. The reason for this is simple – I have no ability to confirm the veracity of the gay and anti-gay stories that reach my ears. More to the point, I am well aware that our boys and girls lie through their teeth in a bid to elicit sympathy from naïve and/or colonial-minded “savior” onlookers, if not other foreigners who themselves make a living off “caring” about poor black gay people in Africa.

I have met a number of foreigners in the past who were doing “research” here in Uganda. Others claimed to be writing novels with a Ugandan LGBTI theme. I came away with the sentiment that they were inexperienced, even ignorant, thrill seekers who didn’t understand the environment they were purporting to care about and who were thus doing more harm than good by creating the impression in the minds of hungry gay Ugandans that they could save them.

I thus now try to avoid these crusaders who seek my presence in their company when they visit or send me emissaries to make me lend my voice to their planned narrative.

Yet, in truth, they only have to read up on this blog to know what my views are. In brief, they are that foreigners should stop their condescending tendency to assume that without them there would be no gay Ugandans in existence. They should also stop pretending (or assuming) that they are of superior pedigree who have more to say about us than we do simply because they are white or from a foreign land. With that should then come the humility of getting on planes to come and look for “research material” only by invitation.

I am totally against foreigners telling me that I am suffering. I abhor them talking at me as though I have no ability to comprehend my circumstances.

Do we black gay people in Africa need help? Yes. What sort of help? HIV/Aids Awareness, access to lube and condoms, training on how to set up sustainable self-help financial projects so that we have enough money to stare down those who might think we are pitiable souls on account of our sexuality. We need to have the financial clout that muzzles friends and foes and they start singing our praises despite what they think of our sexuality. Money talks in Africa, too, and that is what we need in our bank accounts. If you can open up Fort Knox and send us at least $10m for each of our bank accounts, believe me at a stroke that will be the end of homophobia in Uganda as we know it.

That we are still struggling to make access to basic health care a given, more than 10 years after the first LGBTI organization set up in Uganda should tell a lot about us and how useful the kind of foreign “research” has been. No wonder some foreigners, in connivance with our own, have now opted for wholesale human trafficking of gay people from Uganda to wherever on the questionable grounds of “gay persecution.” Yet, in truth, the bigger enemy in LGBTI Uganda is poverty which is what makes us ran away – claiming LGBTI persecution when in reality we are simply too poor to exist as gay men and women in our own country.

How about research material that will be needed by those we shall eventually ask help from? Train us to do the research. Since it is our story, we should be the ones telling it.

My final word to all those foreigners who come to Uganda to explore why I am a sad, put-upon, hounded, persecuted gay man at death’s door:

I am not an idiot who doesn’t recognize when I am suffering. So there is no need for you to volunteer to come to Uganda to find out how you can help me unless you come laden with bullion bars or briefcases full of $100 bills. $10m in my bank account is what I need to mount an anti-gay campaign in Uganda that will be so successful that it will close the chapter of homo antipathy within months. With two university degrees and exposure to at least half the world over the years, access to Twitter, Facebook and goodness knows what other social medium, if I need your bromides, or want to cry on your shoulder about my misery, I will let you know. Trust me on that.

Oh, on this I speak for myself. If you can find other miserable black basket cases that are desperate for your pity and charity, knock yourself out with them.

I am in love with Eric Mawira Gitari!! 1

Eric Mawira Gitari

Eric Mawira Gitari

I have never met him but I feel as though I know him inside out, and we belong together.

If nothing else impresses you about Eric Mawira Gitari (it is claimed that he is very handsome but how would I possibly know that?) his cutting intellect should certainly give you reason to pause and marvel.

Here is Gitari running a coach and horses through the arguments African homophobes bandy about in their quest to justify the unacceptable treatment of homosexuals as deviant, criminal, non-citizens.

Money quote:

African societies had a lot of traditional expressions of sexuality that were divergent and not necessarily heterosexual. Often they were people who used divinity from the ancestors and the creators to serve their communities, bringing healing not harm, and preaching love, not hatred and guilt.They were viewed as free spirits, which were not conforming. There was a different way for every community to include non-conformers. The common thread is that there was no community that punished, killed or sent them to jail. No shame or stigma. Everyone had a fitting role in society, so there was no room for out casting someone. Sometimes I wish I was born two hundred years ago, I think, I would have thrived and served better than now.

Me, too, Eric, me too. Our ancestors, without any white book learning understood that, to repeat Barack Obama’s clarion cry from his State of the Union speech yesterday,  “everyone mattered.” You might be surprised to learn this but even Uganda’s Yoweri Museveni agrees with you completely.

To think that it has taken the so-called freeing the natives from “ignorance and backwardness” by the white man’s “education” to turn this absolutely inviolable human ideal on its head is perhaps one of the ugliest ironies that we, tragically, still live with in Africa today.

Anyhow, you must check out Gitari’s master class on why the fight for gay rights is right, honorable and critical here.

As for me, based on his intellectual incisiveness alone, I would marry Gitari in a trice.

There Mr. Gitari – you have yourself a proposal … on bended knee:

Will you marry me?

Africa’s ugliness is shoved into her face. Again! Reply

This is not for the faint of heart.

All smiles and complacency: Nigeria's Goodluck Jonathan

All smiles and complacency: Nigeria’s Goodluck Jonathan

Nigeria 0bab

nigeria celeb

Crisis, what crisis?

 

nigeria celeb g-large

If they don’t have security, why don’t they eat cake?

While Nigeria’s president and his family live it up to the full, this is what has gone on in his country, continues to go on, under his watch:

Nigeria boko-haram

Nigeria - Maiduguri

 

nigeria01928200346_n

Nigeria 56

Nigeria 5836_n

NigerianChristianMassacre05

Nigeria BurningsWho do liberal commentators blame?

France and the West, for making a hue and cry over 17 of its own who fell to Muslim extremist murderers, but not doing the same for Nigeria.

What are the other African leaders doing about any of this?

Flying to France to show solidarity with Francois Hollande and the rest of the world over the Paris/Charlie Hebdo killings.

What about the crisis in Nigeria, such as this one showing mass executions, that has thus far claimed more than 10,000 souls?

What crisis?

So, will President Jonathan be re-elected in the next few weeks by his people?

You bet!!

Burn Nigeria, burn?

Sounds like a song President Goodluck Jonathan sings to himself in his bath.

Forget Bill Cosby’s Miss Havisham accusers 3

Ms. Phylicia Rashad has brought yours truly firmly into the fold of Bill Cosby’s supporters.

Not that one hadn’t already been smelling a rat.

“Forget these women… What you’re seeing is the destruction of a legacy. And I think it’s orchestrated. “I don’t know why or who’s doing it, but it’s the legacy. And it’s a legacy that is so important to the culture.” (Ms. Rashad)

When you have all these middle-aged women making claims about events that are supposed to have traumatized them three to four decades ago, you have to wonder what has caused them to pillory a very successful [dare one say it] black man.

One mentions the color of the man guardedly, but this is America where to ignore the color of the accused would qualify one for the lunatic asylum.

Phylicia Rashad

Phylicia Rashad

The truth, of course, is that apart from the former model, Beverly Johnson, all the women who have accused Bill Cosby of sexual abuse decades ago are white, haven’t much to say for themselves where the trajectory of their careers is concerned. They all once clearly harbored ambitions of being ‘stars’ and none of them succeeded well enough to their satisfaction. They are thus the kind of disillusioned women whose 30-year-old claims one should take with a huge grain of salt.

But this is America where, deep down, a lot of people are being eaten away by jealousy that a man like Bill Cosby has been successful for so long, and so any attempt to tarnish his reputation would be a boon for their envy.

“I was the one who wasn’t raped, I don’t think, but who had a lot of the experiences that a lot of the other women have had and I’m coming forward just to tell the truth,” (Beverly Johnson)

Take Ms. Beverly Johnson, one of the accusers who is still marginally relevant today due to some forgettable television shows to her credit.

I don't think I was raped: Ms. Beverly Johnson (and and now)

I don’t think I was raped … but I am speaking out for other women …: Ms. Beverly Johnson (then and now)

Aged 62 now, Ms. Johnson was the first black woman on a number of magazine covers in the 1970s. She doesn’t seem to have done anything much in the 1980s which might explain why she agreed to visit Mr. Cosby’s home (and not his office) “for an audition.”

Basically, Johnson’s best days were in the 1970s when models weren’t paid much. It stands to reason that Ms. Johnson didn’t make much money off her “firsts.” Everything else she has done since is piddling stuff which can’t have left her with much pocket change after repeated trips to her cosmetic surgeon whose results are fairly obvious even to an unpracticed eye. She could thus very well be hoping for a big pay-day from Mr. Cosby with her garbled claims.

Miss Havisham stopped all her clocks at twenty minutes to nine

Miss Havisham stopped all her clocks at twenty minutes to nine

At best, these women were gaga-eyed, willingly stoned, groupies who jumped at any opportunity to do all sorts of hedonistic things on their backs or knees, with or without their clothes on, to get an acting gig or simply to ‘blend in’ during the heady 1970s when everyone seemed to be having drugs-addled, wanton, consequence-free sex. Why and how else would a 15-year-old have turned up at Playboy Mansion? And how can she now blame Cosby for whatever may have happened to her instead of her parents for letting her out of the house?

At worst, these are bitter, vindictive, disillusioned, melancholy Miss Havishams, seeking Cosby’s ruin out of a demented wish to salve their consciences for having made bad decisions in their prime. So, they will  try to make themselves out to be reformed angels of purity as they attempt to destroy a man who has no way of defending himself effectively 40 years later.

What we are seeing with these dredged-up twenty minutes to nine allegations of yonder years are the fruits of a permissive culture that says to people that they can decide to become a victim any time they wish. As long as they can find a hungry reporter to run their story, they’ll be fine.

It’s scurrilous, disgusting and unconscionable.

Yet another Ugandan “beauty” bites the dust 2

Uganda’s Leah Kalanguka has ended up where she was meant to be in the 2014 Miss World pageant – with a forgettable placing.

While one mustn’t bring a girl down for putting herself up on a pedestal to be judged, one can justifiably ask what the Ugandan judges who preside over these competitions are smoking when they choose the “winners” they do. Kalanguka put on a brave face after her unflattering winner’s photograph was widely ridiculed but her deluded confidence couldn’t make up for her slovenly dress choices, ill-considered accessories, mediocre make-up awareness … and that terrible, terrible, mane of totally unruly horse hair.

Limp-wristed, politically correct, militants tried to bully those who gave the thumbs down to Kalanguka by claiming it’s the right thing to do to support our own even when we know right off the bat that she is incapable of winning. Blah, blah, blah.

Nod to political correctness: anyone, however dumb can now have a say in who becomes Miss World

The cowardly nod to political correctness: anyone, however uninformed can now have some say in the competition

It’s arrant nonsense of course, even if it makes those who espouse such silly views feel good about themselves. Beauty pageants are about physical beauty.

Phiona Bizzu, Miss Uganda 2012, was remarkable for  a chin so prominent that it could move a bus. No one seems to know what she has done since she was awarded the Ugandan tiara, in yet another odd decision, other than that she keeps on popping up, two years hence, wearing it.

The 2013/14 winner, Stellah Nantumbwe, was a more superior choice to Bizzu and you could see why – she had some experience of the demands, having competed in other beauty pageants abroad. But she too didn’t have the winning look. Rather predictably, she failed to crack the top 25.

The element that Ugandan judges need to be schooled about is that it is ludicrous to claim that a beauty pageant is about anything other than … beauty. It doesn’t matter whether you have two peas for a brain, have reinvented the wheel or can milk a cow faster than anyone can say ‘udder.’

You have to be beautiful on the outside first.

Naysayers can crow all they want; beauty pageants are about three critical elements: beauty, beauty and beauty. If you can recite the logarithms table backwards, your competition is at Mensa dear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you talking about ‘beauty with a purpose’ (BWP). In 2013 Miss Uganda’s Stellah Nantumbwe’s BWP project was something to do with building an orphanage or, more precisely, gingerly painting and plastering some orphanage walls while dressed in skinny jeans and carefully applied make-up.

Oh please.

For some reason, the Ugandan judges, some of whom are worldly enough to know better, keep on falling for the BWP charade.

BWP is so obviously a ruse that was adopted by the pageant owners to stave off politically correct insurrection from fire-spitting agitators – likely ugly feminists – who had threatened to forcibly close the Miss World spectacle down because ‘ it objectified women.’

Parents prepare their kids from the age of 3 for these pageants and you find that the winners, even though they usually pretend that they were tricked into applying, have played the role of beauty queen all their lives.

With that in mind, Uganda’s Miss World winner is about three years old – if her parents have the presence of mind to start preparing her for the role. If Uganda wants a winner sooner than that, someone has to put in the time, go into schools to hand-pick girls that have the look that can win and then groom them on the other elements – grace, poise, discipline, sophistication, presence.

But to go around the regions, auditioning knock-kneed, club-footed, buck-toothed girls who look like they have just stepped out of a cooking oil bath because it is about inner beauty?

It’s a risible waste of time.

African Race Relations NGOs set to come to America’s aid

African NGOsIn this age of global village-ness, “Africa” is poised to do its part in giving back to a partner that has bent over backwards for it for decades, albeit with decidedly mixed results.

The United States of America, is in a crisis. It has grappled with this crisis for over 200 years and, in the spirit of reciprocity, it is surely time for well-wishers to step up and help the world’s friend with its own intractable problem.

And who better than Africa, home to some of the world’s fastest growing economies such as Uganda, Rwanda and Angola, to come to America’s rescue over the embarrassing failure of their black and white people to grow up?

It is in that spirit of togetherness that someone has suggested that Africa sets up NGOs to go help America with their own crisis.  Various names have been suggested and yours truly has passed all of them:

African Ironic Solutions (AIS), one well-wisher has come up with. The African Center for the Empowerment of the Black American (ACEBA). Africa (to the) Rescue of Confused Americans (AFRECA). Action Against Racial Convulsions America Aid (AARCA). Four NGOs were created by that forum within a matter of minutes; four NGOs whose acronyms roll off the tongue as easily as all NGO names are meant to. 

True! Africa is really not a country!!

True! Africa is really not a country!!

Imagine how many African jobs that will create with the specialists we can send, like they do with their “expert” expatriates, some of whom are straight out of college and have just been taught in crash immersion classes in Northern Virginia that Africa is not a country! Never mind that all the NGOs would be doing the same thing; that’s par for the course in the NGO world – duplicate, duplicate, duplicate; the more NGOs you create the more jobs you create for your own people back home. Anyway, this race problem in America deserves all the NGOs that African countries can set up to save the United States of America from itself so the number of NGOs is inconsequential.

In a discussion on another forum, someone raised the point that Africa was/is hardly in position to come to America’s aid on race issues when African countries are riven with tribal conflicts themselves.

Well, America and Europe have for decades been condescending to send to African countries their so-called experts in a thus far vain attempt to save us from poverty as if they don’t have poverty in their own backyards. Africa, too, can send race specialists to teach black and white Americans not to behave like savages towards one another, can’t it?

In case one thinks this is mere trifling, a friend from another forum has just reminded us all that there is plenty of evidence of Africa showing our money muscle when it’s in our best interest:

For instance, Portugal is financially held in place by Angola, the owner of Gatwick airport in United Kingdom of Great Britain is African, the richest pastor in the world is Nigerian, one of the only two black women dollar billionaires in the world is Angolan, Equatorial Guinea’s Teodor Obiang funds an annual UNESCO prize, Mo Ibrahim runs a leadership and governance foundation using money he’s minted through the toil of his Sudanese hands, the Egyptian Al-Fayed ($1.9bn and counting) continues to lord it up at the Paris Ritz. Then we have all the monies that we have squirreled away in Swiss banks, some of it frozen at the behest of, yes, you guessed it, the likes of the United States and European donors whose own people can’t figure out how to live together as neighbors.

A tribe in Uganda has also shown that the spirit of Ubuntu lives on which is another way we will support our struggling American brothers with their racial tensions. Buganda has collected billions in just a couple of months to rebuild a historic relic merely by going round, cup in hand, and asking well-wishers to give money. Imagine what we shall do if each tribe in the 50+ African countries is asked to pony in to collect resources to educate our black American brethren in Ferguson, Missouri that destroying the very grocery stores you will need to buy food from tomorrow is not a very smart move.

So, don’t worry United States of America. On your failure to act like grown-ups for more than 200 years where looking beyond the color of your neighbor’s skin is concerned … Africa has your backs!

I was once accused of improper sexual conduct by a woman! 2

No, no, no! This isn’t going to be a defense of Bill Cosby on the rape allegations that are coming out of the woodwork from all these middle-aged white women who seem to have kept it to themselves for more than 20 years. I wasn’t there so I don’t know.

But I can tell you that I treat their claims with a huge grain of salt.

Why?

Something akin to what these women are alleging happened to me although there were no mind-altering pills, expensive hotel suites, requests for financial support or repeated interactions involved in my incident.

It was in the early 1990s, on a visit to the San Francisco Bay area, perhaps around New Year’s Eve 1991 or 1992. With the female friends I had gone to visit, we went off to this house party, in Oakland I believe. Everyone was busy having fun when, somewhere after midnight, one of my friends took me aside and said that a woman, a married one at that, had claimed that I had touched her inappropriately.

I was nonplussed. “Which woman?” I asked, for I really didn’t know. When the woman was pointed out she was standing next to what must have been her husband, pouting. He seemed to be glaring in my direction, too, but I couldn’t be sure. I had greeted the woman in passing when we had arrived at the party and hadn’t had any other interaction with her at all afterwards!

My friends didn’t know at the time that I was gay. But I did. What went through my mind was, of course, that this woman was delusional, but I was also a little panicked because I’d heard about spurious sex abuse claims that had nonetheless gotten men into deep trouble in America. I denied the woman’s allegation to my friends and we left the party not long thereafter since the atmosphere had been sullied by the incident.

What that incident taught me were a number of lessons about the United States of America. The first one was to be very careful around women as your intentions could very easily be misconstrued. The second one was that it is really quite possible for a person to imagine that they have been inappropriately touched or sexually assaulted and it becomes a reality in their minds.

The woman who accused me of touching her inappropriately did so in a public forum, and around people who could reasonably guess that I probably didn’t since they knew me reasonably well, and no one else at the party had said he or she had seen me do anything untoward. Had she made her allegations a couple of days later, however, it would have been a totally different story because memories would already have been hazy and it would have been difficult to recreate everything I did in the minds of the people at the party.

So, while I don’t know if Cosby raped these women, my experience with such allegations, the time that has passed since the alleged incidents, and what we know about Americans doing whatever it takes to make the headlines, makes me totally wary their claims.

Uganda’s Parliament in move to legalize cunnilingus 1

Even in Uganda where one expects ineptitude in high places as a matter of course, the latest attempt by Uganda’s legislators to bring back the Bahati Nazi Anti-Gay Bill to the floor of the House through false pretenses is staggering in its incompetence.

Draft Bill

In what they may have thought was a crafty stratagem, they have retouched the language to call the bill “The prohibition of unnatural sexual practices …” But what they have ended up with is a cowardly, incondite piece of writing that fails muster just on basic English language interpretation.

Take their definition of a sexual organ: “sexual organ” means vagina or penis. (italics mine)

So far so good. But then the honorable legislators have defined a sexual act as “the penetration of the vagina, mouth or anus, however slight, of any person, by a sexual organ.”

Draft Bill 2So if you have heterosexual sex, and you penetrate the vagina, however slightly, with your tongue or fingers, what is that supposed to be given that the only two sexual organs the honorable members who have drawn up this latest draft bill have accommodated are the vagina and penis? Isn’t the inference here, therefore, that one is free to penetrate the vagina or perform oral sex on the penis with the tongue/fingers since they are not sexual organs and so to use them during sex cannot be defined as a sexual act?

Vulnerable? Ugandan musician Buchaman (real name Mark Bugembe)

Vulnerable? Ugandan musician Buchaman (real name Mark Bugembe) would be deemed incompetent to decide who he can have sex with because of his physical disability

It gets more abysmal when you consider their list of vulnerable persons with whom it will be illegal to have ‘unnatural sexual practices’ with: “vulnerable persons includes persons with disabilities, children and the elderly,” the Parliamentarians aver.

People with the following disabilities are about to be condemned to being too stupid to decide what kind of consensual sex they can have with other adults: anyone blind in one or both eyes, the hard of hearing and/or deaf, the physically disabled and so on and so forth.

This particular clause is especially offensive to yours truly for a very personal reason; I know of a physically disabled man, have known him since 1994, who is easily one of the most independent, single-minded, thoughtful, proud, principled people I have ever come across in my entire life. He possesses all his mental faculties and has proved again and again to any condescending able-bodied person around that he doesn’t need charity or pity. Uganda’s Parliamentarians, however, would tar him with the scarlet letter of “vulnerable persons.”

The legislators try to hide their Nazi tendencies but trip themselves with the clause that seeks to remove sexual consent from adults. In a cowardly attempt to hide their real intent – legislating against homosexuality – they do not mention that word once in their 5-page draft. It’s a dud of a tactic that goes down like a lead balloon – showing the entire effort up for the tawdry, backward-looking, illiterate, half-baked draft that doesn’t deserve the time yours truly has spent on it already.

But this is Uganda where to expect even mere mediocrity from our lawmakers is asking for too much.

Apple’s Tim Cook lands a crushing blow 2

Imagine this:

You are walking around town; a smug, arrogant, know-it-all, with a constant sneer on your face because you are the man, husband, boss who no one can dare question or stand up to. Everyone jumps to your beck and call, and you can swat away with a dismissive wave anyone who doesn’t hold up to your lofty standards.

Knowing grin? Apple's Tim Cook

Knowing grin? Apple’s Tim Cook

Then you return home one Wednesday afternoon, only to open your front door and find your wife on the living room couch, in ecstatic  flagrante delicto with the gardener you have never respected and whose name you’ve never even bothered to ask after.

Shock, horror?

When you come to, you finally take a closer look at the apple of your eye (forgive the pun when you eventually understand it), your 2-year-old son, and recognize the uncanny resemblance to the same gardener.

In a knee-jerk panic, you raise the alarm, retching in disgust and anger. The neighbors show up in force, listen to your entreaties, but then wonder aloud how you could have been so stupid not to notice what they all knew all along; namely that the gardener has been the man in your house for some years.

Apoplectic Ugandan responses to Apple's Sam Cook coming out

Apoplectic Ugandan responses to Apple’s Tim Cook coming out

That is what is going on with the homophobic Ugandans right now; they are walking around in a catatonic stupor after the revelation that their favorite smart phone maker, Apple’s Tim Cook, is gay!

The confusion in Uganda is palpable. Should they now hand back their i Pads and iPods, throw them into the lake, trample them underfoot? Should they pretend that they haven’t heard the news that has cast a sobering light on their foolishness? Should they shoot the messenger?

Ugandan MP playing solitaire on his iPad during a committee session

Ugandan MP playing solitaire on his iPad during a committee session

At the best of times, Ugandans are dreadful at thinking for themselves. Given this bombshell from Silicon Valley, delivered on their Apple handsets, they have chosen a combination of all the above – confirming their moral cowardice and lack of humility.

Like the bombastic husband who has finally confirmed that he is not really “all that,” Ugandans are going to try to bluster their way out of their acute humiliation. Everyone is stupid and only us Ugandans know about morality.

But that giant suction sound you heard as they made a collective gasp to Tim Cook’s announcement has taken the wind out of their sails, literally and figuratively.

Now, any Ugandan who wants to claim that homosexuality is abhorrent has to hand in his smart phone first. And then they have to return their designer apparel, their fancy cars, their coveted music as well as their schooling.

After all, what evidence do they have that all the material and non-material things they cherish, their very existence in fact, haven’t all been provided with a lot of help from homosexual geniuses like Tim Cook?

Precisely.