What Is Good Sex? 7

A gay PYT asked me this question recently and it occurred to me that this is a difficult one to answer. We are all wired differently and even our wiring can change over time, meaning that our sexual tastes can evolve, regress, progress etc. In matters of sex, it is absolutely possible to teach an old dog new tricks with phenomenal results. So, there is no simple answer to what good sex is.

What I think one can peg down a little more easily is ‘bad sex” and so it is likely best to answer what good sex is by focusing on what makes for bad sex.

1. The wilting willy:

It is obviously bad sex if the engine constantly conks out and you have to work desperately with hand, mouth and Lord knows what else to get it going again. Trust me, when a man is ready, he is ready. There is no need for prayers or turning tricks to rev the engine of a man who is into you. So, if your man’s engine takes hard work to start, ask yourself whether he is really into you. If it wilts at crucial moments during the sex act, his mind is not where it is supposed to be. If it goes flaccid due to physical circumstances that have nothing to do with you, that is sad but you are still not going to get good sex -which is what sex should be; good.

If getting him hard seems to you like far too much hard work, it is. There is something that is not right with that sexual relationship if your man only struggles to half mast, and it is best to try and figure out what the problem is and fix it … if indeed it is fixable.

2. Premature arrival:

I am sure you have experienced it (and if you haven’t, hope that you don’t) … you get all worked up, the juices are flowing, the hands are all over each other and then, within seconds…. aiyee! The premature cum can be pegged down to excessive excitement and once the high octane heat is emitted, things can get elongated and very exciting. The premature ejaculation thus doesn’t worry AfroGay as much as the wilting willy. Better to have someone who is too into you (and can’t control his excitement) than one who isn’t (and can’t get it up without a hope and prayer). The former can be fixed with skillful tricks, but the latter offers … just a limp dick.

3. The pain tripper

Pulls (no, yanks) your nipples, bites your bits hard, very hard; pistol-shot slaps you with abandon, holds you in vice-like arm locks, chokes you, gouges your eyes out … If you are not into that sort of S&M thing, the sex is a very painful experience, and thus not fun at all.

4. The funky groin/crotch

No matter how good a man looks, if there is a funky smell coming from down there when the underwear comes off (eeergh!) it is off-putting. This is of course specially pertinent with our uncut brothers. Should you smell something awful, and find that you are in a situation where a nice supply of soap and water are not handy, put your clothes back on and bolt for the exit. Nothing good is going to come of that encounter if your partner’s dick and/or crotch smells foul. Imagine going down to give him head when you have already smelled his stale fish funk. Yuk!

5. The Saliva Factory

No matter how some men try, they can’t help slurping over their kissing! Kissing is supposed to be nice, sensual and very affirming of love-making. That means saliva has to be kept to a minimum. You don’t want a man who slobbers all over your mouth, you just don’t. And of course saliva cools once it leaves the mouth so it is vital that your man is not oozing excessive mouth fluids onto your body during the sex act. It is a real downer. I won’t even mention the funky breath (pass the sick bucket).

6. The kinky (dirty) talker

Yes, yes, yes, AfroGay knows that some men, especially in the Western world, like to verbalize their sexual feelings in real time. AfroGay, however, thinks that turning the sex act into a talkathon is as affected as it is un-African. We know we are loved, liked, appreciated by feeling or experiencing what others do for us and to us.. Africans don’t talk about love or feelings; they just show them. And that is how we are used to it once the bedroom door closes. Verbalizing how one is feeling at every touch, stroke, thrust doesn’t make for a convincing experience for most of us. Most Africans will thus understand it when Miranda from Sex and the City says that during sex “is one of the few instances … where it is perfectly appropriate — if not preferable — to shut up.”

In fact, manly grunts and ecstatic sighs excepted, a sexual act that has hardly any articulate sound emanating from either partner can make for the most intense and mind-blowing sex. On the whole, AfroGay feels that verbal diarrhea during sex is contrived and is best left for commercial sex workers.

7. Jack rabbit sex

I don’t know if you have seen that scene in Sex and the City with Carrie and the guy she picks up the night before Charlotte’s wedding. He bangs her so frenziedly during sex that the bed posts rattle and the walls shake … while all the while she is hanging on for grim, painful, death. Little wonder that she can hardly walk the morning after.

Gentlemen … sex is supposed to be a body conversation between the partners. Listen to your partner’s body if nothing else. First of all, understand that the butt wasn’t designed to take anything bigger than an enema probe. Inserting anything larger in there thus has to be a work of art.If he wants it gently, you will sense it. When he is ready to be pummeled like there is no tomorrow, his body and/or verbal language will guide you to it. As a rule of thumb, think more in terms of starting with a legato (smooth, even) water or oil drilling and then work your way to the staccato (rapid fire) sewing machine feed dog crescendo if at all your partner’s body tells you that it is okay to go there.

Don’t assume that sex is about tearing into someone and pounding away as though your masculinity depends on it. That sort of thing might look impressive in porn movies but, trust me, not many men like to be treated like a mortar. If a man cannot walk on account of pain incurred during a bout of hard pummeling, the sex was one-sided. If the bodies and minds meet, there is no reason why either partner shouldn’t be able to walk normally after the deed. The only reason why walking should be a problem is if either of you is still giddy with the sexual after-glow, NOT PAIN!

8. The Mercy or ‘Why Not?’Fuck

You are not feeling particularly horny. Or you don’t really like the guy that much. But you still agree to go home with him despite your better judgement. Bad move. The sex will be bland at best and you will feel cheap and dirty afterwards. Chances are you are also likely to struggle with the problem at number 1 if you allow yourself to have sex for the sake of it. Hold out for when you really want to get laid. That way, even if the sex doesn’t live up to your expectations, you can still work yourself into a good ejaculation.

When all is said and done, there are no hard and fast rules about what makes for great sex so it is a highly subjective matter. But if you both can’t wait to do it again, that is the best indication that the sex was/is good.

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Coupled Up: Derrick & Kurtis

Lodarian serves up another “Aah” moment; the wedding (civil union?) between Atlanta, Georgia residents, Derrick and Curtis. They have defied the odds in more ways than one. For one they met online – a putrid dish surely if there ever was one.

There seems nothing more to be said other than to wish the happy couple every luck and happiness for the future.

Many happy returns.

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Dear Black-Owned Business

Yes! I can’t see how our (black people’s) poor customer service could be relayed any better. And this person can get away with it because he/she is black, too. White people won’t dare say this, even though it is utterly true, for fear of being branded racist.

One hopes that the myriad black business owners this concerns are listening but I suppose that is too much to expect. If they were listening, there would be no need for anyone to ask them to observe what is obviously commonsense.

Money quote:

Music teacher jailed for lesbian affair with pupil

The Times has this rather interesting report about a 26-year-old teacher who engaged in an affair with a 15-year-old girl, taking her on jaunts to Paris and engaging in steamy sex sessions (consentual) with her. The affair was made public and the teacher was tried and sentenced to a prison term.

The girl was a minor at the time, but there seems tacit acknowledgement that she was a willing participant and that she in fact initiated the sexual liaison. There also seems to be all round agreement that the two women involved still vow undying love for each other which they should be able to consumate when the older woman is released from jail in a couple of months.


What caught AfroGay’s eye, aside from the teacher’s good looks (see picture), were some of the readers’ comments on the story. Here are some, in no particular order:

Excerpts of the comments:

Nick R wrote:
What a wonderful country – muggers, burglars and people who bite policemen remain free (no room in the prisons!) but a woman who has an affair with another woman gets jailed. … in this case the judge should have avoided a custodial sentence as there appears to have been no harm done to either party:

Nigel Davenport wrote:
In the good old days a 15 yr old girl would have given their eye teeth for a lesbian experience with such civilised young women compared to the malicious battle axes banging around.

Paul Delves wrote:
I really don’t think you understand the ramifications of what has happened to this women [sic] – her life has been ruined by this. … I’m even more convinced this should never even have gone to trial- Its a victimless crime, no harm has been done to anyone.

Abdullah Jibrin wrote:
“It is illegal for an adult in a position of trust, such as a teacher, to have physical relationships with those they are responsible for if they are under 18.”

Ronan OSullivan wrote:
Had this been a male teacher and a female student, in the same situation, there would be no one here questioning the absurity [sic] of the law

Darren G wrote:
Why didn’t we have teachers like her? We had 70 year old dinosaurs! I’d have attended classes more often if she was in charge :)

darren moran wrote:
I dont think this woman is a sexual deviant or anything like it.She lacked some commen [sic] sense, in having sexual relations with the girl. They should have waited till she was 16 then she could have just left her job. There would not have been a problem then.

Alan Brace wrote:
To a greater or lesser extent everyone is a victim here. In general; less law is good law, more law is bad law. Time we all cut each other some slack I think.

Tom Tiger wrote:
I am further shocked that some of the people commenting here can make so light of such a tragedy. This woman is a victim of her own proclivities and foolishness. It is less easy to comment on the child, although god knows, enough of them at that age would appear to be having sex with this one and that until it comes out of their ears.

colleta sibili wrote:
it was a fair judgement what if the teacher in question had been a man wouldnt there be an uproar???

John Stobart wrote:
The conviction is right but the sentence is wrong. Teachers and others in professional positions of trust must not abuse that trust because to do so undermines public faith in their profession. Pupils and students by definition are subject to the control of their teachers no matter how relaxed or friendly the relationship may be. It is not a relationship of equals.But imprisonment serves no useful purpose. She is not going to reoffend. She is not a threat to children. The prisons are full and there are far worse offenders still on the streets.

It goes on and on … with 209 comments at the last counting.

AfroGay has his own views about this story but will hold his counsel at this time. I am sure there are many out there with their two pennies’ worth.

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The Best Book I Have Ever Read

I got this idea from Even Steven – who recently posted an interesting expose of his favorite reading. Something else entirely has been eating at me for months until I read Even Steven’s article. And then I realized that I can get this personal matter off my chest in form of an allusion to my all time, favorite novel; Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations.

First, a synopsis of Great Expectations:

The story is about a young man, Pip, who is frightened into helping an escaped convict by stealing for him food and brandy from his sister’s larder. The convict is soon recaptured and returned to jail. Nearby lives a rich woman, Miss Havisham, who long ago closed herself off from the world on the day she was jilted by a man on her wedding day. She lay waste to her huge mansion and stopped her life on the day she was jilted. Miss Havisham has brought up a young girl called Estella, who is about Pip’s age and who Pip gets besotted with even though she is cold and nasty to him. Miss Havisham senses that Pip likes Estella and she exhorts him to love her even when she is cruel and mean to him. “If she breaks your heart … love her, lover her, lover her” Havisham maniacally urges the young boy who laps it all up. Miss Havisham’s rotting existence comes to represent everything Pip wants to be and he becomes tangibly embarrassed about his own more humble life at the forge with the bungling but caring Joe Gargery whose manners he now finds coarse and uncouth. Pip feels that he deserves better from his life but has no prospects of moving up.

So, it is a welcome surprise when Pip is told that a secret benefactor has put aside money for him to go to London to become a gentleman. He duly goes to London, sure that Miss Havisham is his secret benefactor and proceeds to live it up. He lives extravagantly, spends lavishly, gets deep into debt and becomes snooty with his old friends, including Joe whose manners he finds irritating and unrefined.

Finally, Pip’s secret benefactor shows up one London night. It is the convict he once stole food for! Pip is devastated. He all along thought he was being groomed to a classy person by Miss Havisham so that he can marry Estella. Worse, he soon discovers that Estella is not of classy origin herself, but that she is the daughter of another career criminal. By now Pip is bankrupt and about to be jailed. Joe Gargery steps in and pays off Pip’s debts. Estella marries a high class man who publicly humiliates and physically abuses her. Pip returns to Joe’s forge, humbled and chastised – and certainly a more honorable man than the pretentious upstart who left all those years ago.

What has this timeless classic got to do with me? For one, I cannot think of a better book to teach one about accepting your relatives as they are. For another, I think it is one of the best illustrations I can come up of how breeding is about the unconditional devotion we show for those we should care about.

Another truism from this novel is that money indeed doesn’t buy happiness. Yes, poverty doesn’t buy happiness either (and Joe Gargery proves this when, from his humble means, he pays off Pip’s debts) but we fool ourselves if we think that money does a man make. Miss Havisham is one of the richest people in Great Expectations – as well as one of the worst in character, at least until she realizes the folly of her ways and tries to make amends.

The level of selfishness Pip shows is all too common in our ‘me, me, me’ world today where many of us think that life is about just us. But, indeed, we don’t (or shouldn’t) think only of ourselves, and life is about the relationships we develop as well as what we do for others without expecting anything in return. The clumsy, ill-educated but intensely faithful and loyal Joe Gargery thus turns out to be the most noble character in this absolutely timeless novel. Another lesson here, surely, that class and breeding are not about how well schooled one is.

The selfishness I see in our existence is perhaps the biggest lesson I draw from Great Expectations. When people think that life is just about them, let them. What goes around comes around and they will get their comeuppance in due course. But that doesn’t make for easy living with the kind of selfishness, yes even downright ungrateful behavior we display in our lives. Joe Gargery opted to keep quiet about this trait in his friend, Pip, and only stepped in to help when he absolutely had to. The trick then is to know when to step away from such people and let nature take them where it will.

And there … I have taken it off my chest. Written perhaps 150 years ago, Great Expectations remains absolutely relevant even today. Dickens still has a lot to teach all of us, and for that he deserves to be forever saluted.

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Caster Semenya; the evidence against the South Africans mounts

Poor Caster. She is obviously not to blame for what has happened to her.

Nonetheless, the evidence is mounting that the South African athletics authorities knew in advance about her ambiguous gender and chose to send her to Berlin anyway in the foolish hope that the matter wouldn’t be raised. If they wanted her to win, it beggars the question how they thought Semenya’s ambiguous gender could be swept under the proverbial carpet.


The questions swrling about whether Semenya should have been allowed to run as a woman are legitimate. As an intersexual, she had inbuilt advantages that the South Africans should have presented to the international athletics federation.

Damning money quote:

One e-mail from Dr Adams to Leonard Chuene, the ASA president, and Molatelo Malehopo, its general manager, says: “Thinking about the current confidential matter I would suggest we make the following decisions. 1. We get a gynae opinion and take it to Berlin. 2. We do nothing and I will handle these issues if they come up in Berlin.”

The last chapter to this saga has obviously not yet been written and one has to assume that we shall hear more dri-drip revelations as time rolls by. In the meantime, the alleged cover up by the South Africans prior to Berlin raises ethical issues of its own.

Yes, it is not Semenya’s fault that she is a hermaphrodite, but, yes, the questions as to whether she should have raced with women in Berlin are also legitimate. AfroGay is watching the development of this story with a lot of interest.

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A Malawi Official Gets It

All may not be lost for Africa as this Malawian official illustrates:

Money quote:

Amen.
Now we need to see more African male officials singing from the same hymn sheet.
Are you holding your breath? Don’t just yet!!
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Should straight men be afraid of gay men? 3

You hear it all the time, the “gays don’t bother me … as long they don’t try to hit on me” refrain, usually thrown about by straight men in their attempt to justify their feelings about gay men and homosexuality in general.
It is difficult to gauge the level of honesty when the discourse goes in that direction but there are general principles that one can use to guide one’s judgment as to what to make of these pronouncements.
The first one is that, for the most part, straight men have no idea who is gay or not. The most common misconception is that gay men are limp-wristed, pinkie waving, hip rolling, soft and effeminate sissies. We gay men of course know that, though this stereotype is well represented in our midst, it is by no means the yardstick by which all gay men can be told. The irony of course is that we know what straight men say about us because they tell us without realizing that we are gay. A cursory look at some of these images here or here will show you that any one of the men there could be gay – or not. Unless they are well exposed to the realities of the world, it is safe to say that most straight men don’t know this.
Of course ignorance is the bane of all narrow-mindedness. And our straight brothers, especially in Africa, bask in the comfort of ignorance because they are men. In Africa, being a man is to be a lord even if it is your wife who toils and brings home the daily bread. The assumption that men are the superior gender thus helps many a gay man hide their sexuality far more easily than in societies where men can be questioned. But it is also this same patriarchal advantage that men enjoy that keeps them blissfully unaware that their sons and close friends are gay because there is an implicit, but patently absurd, assumption that all men have been put on this earth to sow their oats with women.

That is precisely the reason why women cotton on far more quickly to the freakishness of life. Men are too busy doing whatever men do, and usually this doesn’t involve studying humanity. Of course women are the nurturers who spend most time with the children, thereby enabling them to understand the deeper, sometimes even secret, aspects of their offspring’s characters. That is why if both parents know, the mother usually knew before the dad did. But for a dad to know that their son is gay before the mother does? That is very rare indeed.
So then, what is this fear? What is this “as long as they don’t hit on me” silliness? It is just that – silliness. Gay men, unlike straight men, are not interested in anyone who is not interested in them. A man is of interest to another man only as long as there is a vibe that the attraction is mutual. All the straight men who keep our company don’t feel threatened because, yes, they know that we want men who feel the same way we do. It is precisely for that reason that money boys (boys who sleep with men for money or material things) don’t last long in the gay circles – unless they are gay. However much they can act the part, it is usually easy to tell when a money boy’s heart is not in it. And once that is ascertained, a gay man’s interest will subside and eventually peter out.

So, poor Tim Hardaway was flattering himself when he let it be known that he didn’t want gay people around him; gay people don’t want the Hardaways of this world around them either. And for someone like Hardaway to suggest that there was any risk to him from a gay man in the locker room was simply laughable. Hardaway stands at 6’0” and weighed in at 175lbs at the time he let his feelings known. What size of gay man exactly was he afraid would ambush and bugger him? For it would have had to be someone of at least 6’6” and 250lbs or more to be able to cower Hardaway, surely. Hardaway has since relented and is doing some good work towards supporting at-risk gay youth so perhaps the man should be given a break. But he expressed what many straight men think privately. Yet, the evidence clearly doesn’t bear their fears out even by a long shot.
So, our straight brothers … you can rest assured that you and your belonging are safe from gay boys. They are looking for like-minded men and unless you want to experiment or take the full plunge (sorry for the pun), you are safe around gay men – fully dressed or otherwise.

Related Reading:

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Seven Ugandan Cricketers "Disappear in Canada"

The BBC reports that more of our boys (and girls?) have run away, presumably in search of greener pastures, this time in Canada. This is nothing new and the only surprise is that the Ugandan cricket officials in question seem surprised that it happened or that it likely will have adverse consequences for their future visa applications.

I am puzzled that this is still an issue for these traveling troupes. Stephen Rwangyezi (of Ndere Troupe fame) has been traveling internationally for years with all these glassy-eyed young men and women and has never had such an exodus on his watch as far as I know, though it is inconceivable that none of his dancers have tried to abscond. One dancer once came up to me when they performed in DC and asked me if she could reach Kansas by bus. I felt sorry for her, of course, but cautioned her that Kansas was at least four days away by that mode of transport. And did she have ID to present when she bought her ticket? Her crestfallen look told me all I needed to know. She returned to Uganda with the Ndere Troupe.

“The disappearance of seven Ugandan cricketers in Canada may make it more difficult for athletes to get visas, a Ugandan cricket official says. Latimer Mukasa told the BBC it would have “far-reaching consequences”.”

The trick then seems to be to take the passports and keep them under lock and key the entire time, producing them only when each traveler checks in at the airport on the way back. Without a passport, things get very tricky for any wannabe escapee.

 
But who is to deny our poor guys a chance for better, greener pastures especially in the Uganda we all know has been turned into a personal fiefdom? I wouldn’t. It is just that it becomes tricky if/when such an exodus happens on your watch. – not to mention the embarassment. I know a whole contingent of about 80 that went to Canada under the umbrella of the Vatican or something like that five or so years ago. At least 3/4 of them didn’t return to Uganda, and that was the end of that initiative.


Anyone arranging something like this has to know that it might lead to a mass exodus of members and so it is up to the organizers to keep a tight lead … unless of course they have no interest in applying for visas as a group ever again, or they are complicit in the absconding which is usually well planned.

 
That said, I see the point on all sides … including the side of the visa issuing authorities. If I were the Canadian official there is no way I would entertain another visa application from an organization that lost 3/4 of its members the last time round. Would you?

Precisely.

Related reading:

1. Still In Britain; 21 athletes who kept on running

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