I Am Gay … and I Have No Idea How to Come Out

The following letter in the Washington Post from a gay teenager could have been from anyone, teenager or older, and could certainly have been written by an African gay teenager. . I think it sums up every gay man’s dilemma as they go about coming to terms with their sexuality and determining how to reconcile their homosexuality with family and social expectations. I feel that Amy’s response is absolutely spot on, too.

Read on:

DEAR AMY: I’m a gay teenage guy, and I have no idea how to come out. My family is more liberal than most, but I can’t even begin to gauge their reaction. I know they’re comfortable with gay rights, but how do I know if they’ll be comfortable with my being gay? I’m not sure about my friends either — we never really discuss “serious” issues with each other, so how do I bring it up? With Facebook and e-mail taking over, should I tell them in person? And I have no clue what to do about the relatives and friends I don’t see every day — do I call? E-mail? Tell them over the holidays? … I might be able to bring myself to do it then, but it’s tough to do when I can’t tell how anybody will react. — Nervous

And the following is Amy’s response:

DEAR NERVOUS: … I don’t like is the pressure it might put on you to come out on a specific day. Coming out is a process that doesn’t follow neat guidelines or timetables. Start the process by talking with the person in your life whom you deem most likely to be supportive. If you have any “out” gay friends or relatives, they might share their experience and offer advice. As you and your friends mature, you will all wrestle with questions of relationships and sexuality (and a lot of other things). Please do not make important personal disclosures on Facebook. Tell whomever you want to tell personally. You can rarely anticipate and can never control how another person reacts to any particular thing. But this will go best if you present it as a fact of your life. If people have a problem with your sexuality, then they’ll need to do the work required to come to terms with it. …

The Supakoja (agony uncle) in me couldn’t really come up with a better answer than this and I have to applaud Amy for her thoughtful response. Obviously, such a subject is almost impossible to broach in our African settings where sex and sexuality are rarely, if ever, discussed. I am sure most of my relatives know I am gay (well, the Red Pepper made sure that those who didn’t were brought up to speed) but I have never really sat down with any close relatives to discuss my sexuality; they know what they know and that is all there is to it. In my mind there is nothing to discuss. That said, they must have questions that I know they dare not ask, but perhaps which would clear the muddy waters if they were asked.

I am going to pass Amy’s advice around to see what others think. Could she have given better advice than she did?

Why is Nigeria absent from Adam4adam (A4A)? 3

Why doesn’t Nigeria feature on Adam4adam (A4A)?

You have small countries such as Benin on A4A but Nigeria, with a population of more than 100 million is noticeably missing. Perhaps there are really no gay men in Nigeria as one Nigerian minister once claimed, I thought to myself. So, I decided to go to the source for answers.
I wrote to A4A and asked them why Nigeria didn’t feature on their dating site. I got no response.
You know what they say about curiosity; it killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back. I became even more curious and asked everyone I could for a possible reason. Though most people I spoke with hadn’t noticed (A4A is mostly an American dating site, popularised mostly by black men), the consensus of those who gave it thought seemed to be that A4A has decided that the reputation of Nigerians as the most crooked people in the world may have played a part in A4A’s decision to excise that country off its dating map.
Hm … I thought to myself. It kind of figures. Let’s face it; the track record that Nigerians have earned as 409 charlatans and scam-artists is well deserved. Only recently a friend who visited that country told me a telling tale about her hotel stay. She was in Lagos for a three-day conference and was booked into a reputable four star marquee hotel that shall remain nameless.

On the morning after she checked in, the hotel management sent voicemail to the guests, giving them the dreadful news that there was a water outage. The situation would be solved if each guest coughed up about $20-$30 dollars to pay for a water delivery truck. Obviously, everyone went downstairs to the lobbby and promptly paid up. About 20 minutes later a water truck pulled up and headed for the back of the hotel, ostensibly to replenish the water tanks. Within no time, the water was back on tap flowing in every room and the guests went about their bathroom business, happy and contented. It didn’t seem to occur to any guest that it was odd that just one water truck was able to fill the water tanks to a 200+ room hotel in just one trip. But my friend, being Ugandan, and knowing a thing or two about life’s scams, noticed and kept her ears open.

Yes, you guessed it. The manager was the owner of the water truck. And, yes, the hotel water hadn’t run out; the manager had turned it off, fleeced the unsuspecting guests of their money and turned it back on.
Of course it is unfair to suggest that all Nigerians are scam artists, but in the absence of a nationwide poll of that country to determine the complete picture, what has any observer got but the pervasive stories of crookedness to base a judgment upon? After all, don’t we all consciously and [mostly] subconsciously judge others based on broad stereotypes? The English even have a saying for this: one bad apple spoils the barrel. Isn’t that an explicit acknowledgment that stereotyping is mother’s milk to mankind?
AfroGay has no evidence one way or the other but the street smart wisdom suggests that Adam4Adam has excised Nigeria off the face of its gay map because it is wary of Nigerian charlatans using that dating site for their scams. And we all know that when the sex johns hit you, there is nothing you can do about it. Nigerians (and West Africans in general) are famed for their humongous dicks. Even in the West, most men on these dating sites are using fake pictures, usually purloined from Jamaica [where dicks are really, really big] and/or Photoshop enhanced. Imagine what the Nigerian scammers would get up to once they realized that they could take naive Western men for a ride simply by taking pictures of their real dicks and posting them on online? Obviously, it would be open season.
But, as always, perhaps AfroGay is reading too much into Nigeria’s absence from America’s most eminent black gay dating site. Still, since Ada4Adam didn’t respond to my request for answers, I can allow myself the luxury of letting my mind wander.
Related reading

Twinks? 2

Gay Nairobi Man reacted to my jail fantasy by mentioning his preference and gave me food for thought. I have heard the word “twink” bandied about all over the place but have never really given much thought as to what it really means.

So, I went digging. The ‘twink’ images I have dug up leave me thinking that “twink’ refers to young, fresh and pretty-faced, barely out of one’s teens and with hardly any flesh on one’s bones. GNM … perhaps you can help me out here because it is possible my impression is far off. Anyhow, here are some of the pictures I dug up of what I am assuming to be “twinks.” None of them are my type (GNM was right about my taste some time back) of course but this is not what this is about:

GNM please correct me if I got some (or all) of them wrong. Are any of the following twinks?


Homosexuality blamed for HIV/Aids spread in prisons 2

Speaking of thuggish jail types, I have a suggestion for Uganda’s incompetent government; make me Chief Inspector of Prisons.

A while back I suggested an indisputably sensible solution to the alarming (but seemingly inevitable) spread of Aids/HIV in Uganda’s jails; issue condoms to prisoners. Needless to say, the prison authorities were not listening. And so they are now back, in talking-shop conferences, waxing lyrical about an issue to which AfroGay presented an obvious solution ages ago.


Money quote that proves that I am right:

Coerced or not, it is a fact of life that homosexual activity is rife in jails. How could it not be? It is thus obvious that condoms should be supplied in order to prevent the men who are incarcerated from catching chronic diseases and passing them on to their innocent partners when they are eventually released. That Uganda’s prisons chief is talking about this same subject, barely ten months after he admitted that homosexual activity is par for the course in jails surely confirms that it is well past time to act. And apart from distributing condoms to prisoners, what else can the authorities do to check the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases in jail? They have no practical way of preventing homo-sodomy from happening, do they?

Does this really require divine intervention to figure out that the solution is condoms?


Related reading:

1. Aids Rocks Uganda’s Prisons


AfroGay’s Jail Fantasies 5

Let’s face it … it is many a gay man’s fantasy.

Being locked up in an all-man jail with limitless thuggish criminal elements with nothing to lose except a lot of pent up sexual energy and man juices. Who hasn’t dreamt about that, gone all soft at the knees at the grity jail images of muscle, washboard abs, pulsating dicks and libidinous swagger? Only a liar would say that the jailhouse fantasy doesn’t appeal to him. And AfroGay will not be one of those liars.

Below are some of the jail types Afrogay dreams of being locked up with in no particular order of preference …

With such an ungodly supply of thuggish types and bolts, AfroGay would happily be locked up for life. Ooh, la, la.


Coming Out in Middle School 3

When and how did you know that you are gay?

Benoit Denizet-Lewis’ article in the New York Post Magazine is a trifle disconcerting … bewildering … and ultimately a source of hope. But that is my view. It is best left to readers to make what they will of the article.

In a nutshell, it is about youngsters, some as young as 11 coming out and openly declaring themselves to be gay, lesbian or bisexual. In an African context, that is the equivalent of a primary six student announcing to his class that he or she is gay, lesbian or bisexual. Phew!

Money quote:

As I indicated when I plotted my own personal story, about 10 months ago, I knew I was gay when I was nine years old and actually experimented with my gay feelings at around the same time. But I didn’t really engage in active gay sex until some years later – when my feelings had coalesced and there was no longer any adolescent confusion in my mind. In the interim, I always knew I was different and yearned to follow my feelings. Alas, the repressive sexual climate I grew up in didn’t offer up that chance, but neither did it do so for my straight peers, a number of whom dabbled in gay experimentation with me and others all throughout our high school years.

But some of the kids in Benoit Denizet-Lewis’ story show astonishing confidence and clarity of thought that can ultimately only be a good thing. Please follow the link and read up on this story if you do nothing else. It is eye opening … and AfroGay would like to predict that is a precursor of what is to come – as more and communities open up to matters of sex and sexuality – yes, even in seemingly closed-minded sub-Saharan Africa.


Hoima Businessman Charged With Sodomy

Yet another hysterical pedophile homo-sodomy story comes out of Uganda where an individual is tried and convicted of sodomy before he is brought to trial. These disgraceful goings on are made all the more distressing to read when one looks back and finds that NONE of the recent high profile accusations of sodomy in Uganda has resulted in a single court case. But the accused have all had their lives turned upside down.

Sickening money quote:

“If the medical reports indicate penetration, we shall charge him with sodomy and produce him in court, if the tests [indicate] normal, we shall charge him with attempted sodomy,” Ganyana said.

Ganyana [the police spokesman] has already decided this case. The man in question has been accused of sodomy. Thus, if the tests show no signs of sodomy, he has no case to answer. But that would be proper justice and Ganyana seems uninterested in that.

The mockery of the law is as shocking as it is shameful.

Related Reading:

1. Police clears coach Ayiekoh of sodomy allegations

2. Aldrine Nsubuga makes an unmarketable argument

3. Police get Kayanja off the hook

3. Father Musaala named homosexual

What Is Good Sex? 7

A gay PYT asked me this question recently and it occurred to me that this is a difficult one to answer. We are all wired differently and even our wiring can change over time, meaning that our sexual tastes can evolve, regress, progress etc. In matters of sex, it is absolutely possible to teach an old dog new tricks with phenomenal results. So, there is no simple answer to what good sex is.

What I think one can peg down a little more easily is ‘bad sex” and so it is likely best to answer what good sex is by focusing on what makes for bad sex.

1. The wilting willy:

It is obviously bad sex if the engine constantly conks out and you have to work desperately with hand, mouth and Lord knows what else to get it going again. Trust me, when a man is ready, he is ready. There is no need for prayers or turning tricks to rev the engine of a man who is into you. So, if your man’s engine takes hard work to start, ask yourself whether he is really into you. If it wilts at crucial moments during the sex act, his mind is not where it is supposed to be. If it goes flaccid due to physical circumstances that have nothing to do with you, that is sad but you are still not going to get good sex -which is what sex should be; good.

If getting him hard seems to you like far too much hard work, it is. There is something that is not right with that sexual relationship if your man only struggles to half mast, and it is best to try and figure out what the problem is and fix it … if indeed it is fixable.

2. Premature arrival:

I am sure you have experienced it (and if you haven’t, hope that you don’t) … you get all worked up, the juices are flowing, the hands are all over each other and then, within seconds…. aiyee! The premature cum can be pegged down to excessive excitement and once the high octane heat is emitted, things can get elongated and very exciting. The premature ejaculation thus doesn’t worry AfroGay as much as the wilting willy. Better to have someone who is too into you (and can’t control his excitement) than one who isn’t (and can’t get it up without a hope and prayer). The former can be fixed with skillful tricks, but the latter offers … just a limp dick.

3. The pain tripper

Pulls (no, yanks) your nipples, bites your bits hard, very hard; pistol-shot slaps you with abandon, holds you in vice-like arm locks, chokes you, gouges your eyes out … If you are not into that sort of S&M thing, the sex is a very painful experience, and thus not fun at all.

4. The funky groin/crotch

No matter how good a man looks, if there is a funky smell coming from down there when the underwear comes off (eeergh!) it is off-putting. This is of course specially pertinent with our uncut brothers. Should you smell something awful, and find that you are in a situation where a nice supply of soap and water are not handy, put your clothes back on and bolt for the exit. Nothing good is going to come of that encounter if your partner’s dick and/or crotch smells foul. Imagine going down to give him head when you have already smelled his stale fish funk. Yuk!

5. The Saliva Factory

No matter how some men try, they can’t help slurping over their kissing! Kissing is supposed to be nice, sensual and very affirming of love-making. That means saliva has to be kept to a minimum. You don’t want a man who slobbers all over your mouth, you just don’t. And of course saliva cools once it leaves the mouth so it is vital that your man is not oozing excessive mouth fluids onto your body during the sex act. It is a real downer. I won’t even mention the funky breath (pass the sick bucket).

6. The kinky (dirty) talker

Yes, yes, yes, AfroGay knows that some men, especially in the Western world, like to verbalize their sexual feelings in real time. AfroGay, however, thinks that turning the sex act into a talkathon is as affected as it is un-African. We know we are loved, liked, appreciated by feeling or experiencing what others do for us and to us.. Africans don’t talk about love or feelings; they just show them. And that is how we are used to it once the bedroom door closes. Verbalizing how one is feeling at every touch, stroke, thrust doesn’t make for a convincing experience for most of us. Most Africans will thus understand it when Miranda from Sex and the City says that during sex “is one of the few instances … where it is perfectly appropriate — if not preferable — to shut up.”

In fact, manly grunts and ecstatic sighs excepted, a sexual act that has hardly any articulate sound emanating from either partner can make for the most intense and mind-blowing sex. On the whole, AfroGay feels that verbal diarrhea during sex is contrived and is best left for commercial sex workers.

7. Jack rabbit sex

I don’t know if you have seen that scene in Sex and the City with Carrie and the guy she picks up the night before Charlotte’s wedding. He bangs her so frenziedly during sex that the bed posts rattle and the walls shake … while all the while she is hanging on for grim, painful, death. Little wonder that she can hardly walk the morning after.

Gentlemen … sex is supposed to be a body conversation between the partners. Listen to your partner’s body if nothing else. First of all, understand that the butt wasn’t designed to take anything bigger than an enema probe. Inserting anything larger in there thus has to be a work of art.If he wants it gently, you will sense it. When he is ready to be pummeled like there is no tomorrow, his body and/or verbal language will guide you to it. As a rule of thumb, think more in terms of starting with a legato (smooth, even) water or oil drilling and then work your way to the staccato (rapid fire) sewing machine feed dog crescendo if at all your partner’s body tells you that it is okay to go there.

Don’t assume that sex is about tearing into someone and pounding away as though your masculinity depends on it. That sort of thing might look impressive in porn movies but, trust me, not many men like to be treated like a mortar. If a man cannot walk on account of pain incurred during a bout of hard pummeling, the sex was one-sided. If the bodies and minds meet, there is no reason why either partner shouldn’t be able to walk normally after the deed. The only reason why walking should be a problem is if either of you is still giddy with the sexual after-glow, NOT PAIN!

8. The Mercy or ‘Why Not?’Fuck

You are not feeling particularly horny. Or you don’t really like the guy that much. But you still agree to go home with him despite your better judgement. Bad move. The sex will be bland at best and you will feel cheap and dirty afterwards. Chances are you are also likely to struggle with the problem at number 1 if you allow yourself to have sex for the sake of it. Hold out for when you really want to get laid. That way, even if the sex doesn’t live up to your expectations, you can still work yourself into a good ejaculation.

When all is said and done, there are no hard and fast rules about what makes for great sex so it is a highly subjective matter. But if you both can’t wait to do it again, that is the best indication that the sex was/is good.


Coupled Up: Derrick & Kurtis

Lodarian serves up another “Aah” moment; the wedding (civil union?) between Atlanta, Georgia residents, Derrick and Curtis. They have defied the odds in more ways than one. For one they met online – a putrid dish surely if there ever was one.

There seems nothing more to be said other than to wish the happy couple every luck and happiness for the future.

Many happy returns.


Dear Black-Owned Business

Yes! I can’t see how our (black people’s) poor customer service could be relayed any better. And this person can get away with it because he/she is black, too. White people won’t dare say this, even though it is utterly true, for fear of being branded racist.

One hopes that the myriad black business owners this concerns are listening but I suppose that is too much to expect. If they were listening, there would be no need for anyone to ask them to observe what is obviously commonsense.

Money quote: