It’s official! There are a lot of lonely gay men out there today. No, rephrase that: there are a lot of miserable, lonely, frustrated, disillusioned, muddled, bewildered, emotionally empty gay men out there today.
Yet, having gay sex has never been easier for gay men all over the world.
Thanks to the internet, one can log on to Adam4adam, Men4now, Gaydar and a plethora of gay dating/sex sites and find someone to grope you within a few seconds. Sex parties are advertised openly, providing yet another outlet for those who are looking for quick, anonymous sex round the neighborhood so to speak. Being gay is now so passé even in backwaters such as Burundi and Uganda that parliaments are taking up precious parliamentary time to try and curtail homosexual activity, and presidents are secretly signing anti-gay bills in the dead of night.
In terms of publicity and raising awareness, this couldn’t be a better time to be gay and searching because homosexuality is being given prominence by everyone; from hypocritical, self-serving, pontificating pastors and wannabe presidents in America to hypocritical self-serving pontificating pastors and cabinet ministers in third world backwaters. As a gay fraternity that used to be hidden in the furtiveness that Oscar Wilde called the love that dare not speak its name, we are now feted in national parliaments all over the world by friendly legislators and pilloried by vindictive and confused parliamentarians as well the press. We are now employed as openly gay men in the highest offices of the land in such diverse places as Britain and Israel.
It was this thread online about what good, honest relationships mean today that got me thinking about this subject:
[Edited] money quote:
Do gay people in 2009 still have good, honest, lasting relationships or is it mostly a “SEX thing” for a couple of months and then they move on? Many complain about not being able to find a good lover, but then want to screw half the town and expect their mates to behave as if everything is okay. Do we put unreal stipulations on what an ideal mate is without considering what we bring to the table? We are only human and we all have some kind of baggage/imperfections. What do you think gays need to consider for having a (honest) lasting relationship? Do gays guys even have good honest relationships these days?
Difficult questions, that no doubt don’t have a straight yes or no answer, AfroGay will nonetheless hazard a long-winded one.
Just 50 years ago, when gay relationships were still conducted clandestinely everywhere in the world, gays took the trouble to nurture personal relationships because having them seemed like a godsend. There has always been a lot of one-night-stands going on in the gay shadows, of course, but the secretiveness of gay life forced many to take relationships seriously relatively early. Only 15 years ago, I knew at least 20 couples who had been together for more than 5 years. Today, I struggle to count on one hand the gay relationships that have lasted that long among my peers.
The more fertile climate for easy sex seems to have run a coach and horses through our collective conscience as nesting human beings. Where we used to make effort to try and understand others, we now grope their pants within minutes “to see what they are working with” as an acquaintance recently remarked. Dick size is the be-all-end-all and many of us openly admit that once we are not impressed with the size of the dick, we are off again to search for better endowed specimens. The freedom to explore as our desires demand has, paradoxically, led to the loss of the most crucial ingredients in establishing lasting relationships – forbearance and fortitude.
Thus, one hears a lot of gay boys saying that they don’t want relationships; just sex. One just has to scratch the surface, however, to realize that this is just mock braggadocio for the most part. Human beings, be they gay or straight, are meant to be with someone. When one is a teenager, that is the time when one can act like a bar fly without compunction because that is what teenagers do. Slinging one’s hook with everything that comes your way throughout one’s twenties is also not something terribly unique in the gay world especially since many gay boys get the ability to explore their sexuality in their twenties. But when one gets into one’s thirties and is still looking solely for hit-and-run sex over establishing meaningful relationships, one has to be very careful as that can portend the road to a slippery slope.
And have you ever noticed that the men in their 30s or older who claim not to want long term relationships are also the most jealous and territorial if one of their conquests is snatched from them? Forget the cattiness of teenagers; hell hath no fury than a 30+ something man who loses a conquest to someone else. The bitchiness is internalized and thus less pronounced but the hate that develops in such situations can take years to heal if ever. That, to AfroGay, is the clearest indication that, deep inside, we all want to have someone to call our own.
Once you hit your 40s, life alone is exactly that; life alone. Anyone who has been having sex since their 20s kn0ws that there is nothing new anyone can show you sexually after 20 years of active service. What one is looking for, as one approaches middle age, is companionship and a meeting of souls, with sex as the icing on the cake. Sex is of course still available for 40 and 50+, but the absence of a soul mate is usually a grating reminder that one is not complete.
Check out any gay dating/sex website today and you will be shocked at the number of men over 45 on there. In reality, they are looking for much more than sex but the environment has been bastardized to such an extent that they must now settle for what they can get. And let’s face it, unless one has gone to almost superhuman lengths to stay “with it” a man of 50 is not as attractive as he was when he was in his 20s. Yet, on Adam4adam alone, there are more than 1200 men in Washington, DC and New York City alone, over the age of 45 who say on their profiles that they are searching for relationships. That is a very conservative number, though, because in typical Adam4adam ‘airbrushing’ 55 years is the new 45 and it is not unheard of for 58 year-old men to say on their profiles that they are 36. You are, therefore, talking about more than 2,000 men out of at least 18,000 in just those two metropolises who are in their 40s or older who are alone and/or lonely, and are searching for lasting love. Unfortunately, time is no longer on their side and life should get even more complicated as more of us grow out of our eligible 30s into the precarious 40s.
Still in your 30s and saying that you are only interested in quick sex without commitment or emotional capital? Look around you and stand warned; the club of middle aged gay men who are alone is growing.